Balancing questions...

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A lot of my life is spent trying to strike a balance and missing.

I want to do and be so much. And I want to be good at it. I want to truly love and be loved. I want to be a good friend, daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, niece. I want to be a star student, an indispensable employee. I want to write something wonderful. I want to be intelligent, educated and informed; I want to travel the world, read all the books, newspapers, magazines and journals I can. I want to be healthy, fit and pretty. I want my home to be cozy and beautiful. I want to take photos, cook delicious meals, go to parties, have meaningful conversations, watch films, climb mountains, walk though galleries and gardens. I want to listen to talented musicians, surf waves, learn to dance and play guitar. I want to have a golden tan, flawless skin, perfect hair and stylish clothes. I want to impress people with my political insight, my emotional intelligence, my progressive ideas. I want to help those in need. I want to find my kindred spirits and let no one ever leave without making them feel better and happier and do my bit to make the world a better place.

I simply don't know how to do it; how to strike a balance I feel is missing and I'm wondering is there enough room in my life for me to be and have all of those things or does something have to give? And If something has to give; what is it that I am willing to sacrifice?

The stories telling...

The story alone is not the answer. For the answer itself lies hidden in the telling. Like words written on forgotten diary pages or lyrics lost in the melody. Pictures; words painted with emotion, so vivid they reach inside, grasping at some deeply held thread hidden for fear of daylight. A persons search for answers cannot end in another life's telling, among dusted pages and lyrics score. Your life's meaning can only be found in the mystery, your questions in search of the answers. Answers only to be found in your stories telling. The story alone is not the answer. For the answer itself lies hidden in the telling.

“Writers cannot provide The Answers, but we can bring a lot of other things to the table. Reaching inside and drawing out truth, from our own experiences: deep-seated shame, broken-heartedness, soaring love, secret longing. And then we can share the things we have done that have made us feel better, given us some comfort, sprinkled our lives with a little sweetness.

Better yet, we can concentrate upon telling the tales of what comes before the resolution. The sadness before the happiness, the storm before the calm, the shame before the self-acceptance. Because it's in the confusion, the fear and the failure that we are all united, and where the truth is momentarily revealed. Sometimes it's enough just to know that there are others exactly like us, feeling exactly what we are feeling. Often, answers masqueraded as The Answers just make us feel more flawed, and alone.

A story that leaves us hanging is one that leaves us thinking. Wondering, ruminating, looking to piece together the puzzle for ourselves. That's just how life goes; the mystery is never truly solved, the story never truly ends.”

Laura Valerie

Doubt of today...

Sometimes I wonder if there is any meaning to anything. I wonder if faith is real or just some cruel ruse played on small minds. I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be. I wonder if my dreams are my own. I wonder if sanity exists. I wonder if I am of worth. More than anything I wonder if any of it's real... God, life, purpose.

Sometimes the only step I can take is the one directly in front of me. The only way forward is to deal with the past. The only way to really dream is to let go of the expectations. And the only way to live is to hope that one day there will be a clear horizon beyond the doubt of today.

"Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we are in fact in the process of change... Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening...”. Alice Walker

Forever? Even longer...

Family without blood ties. People you trust with everything and no matter what happens, where you go, live or how much time passes between conversations. They are still your family. They've seen your best and worst; clutzy moments, morning hair, language blunders and 3am phone calls.

But oh the laughter, the memories this family holds. Like a silk thread of hope on a dewy morning. Beautiful beyond description. It's the best and worst the acceptance that life will happen, you may never all be around one table again. But the beauty of the time you had outweighs the sadness of the realization, the moment's passed from a vivid reality to a whisper in a daydream.

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”

A.A. Milne, Winnie the pooh

What we leave behind...

When a writer dies they become books, photographers continue on through their photos and artists, their artwork. But what of the rest of us? Those of us who have no books to their names or gallery displays. What is it we leave behind?

As everything has a beginning, so too must everything have an end; life is no exception. It is gift, so often taken for granted until the death of someone remands us of it's fragility and value.

This week; a boy I know committed suicide (one of my VFS kids). I don't know how to describe the emptiness that settled in the pit of my stomach on hearing the news or the internal battle as my brain struggles to comprehend the reality; he's gone.

My heart breaks for a life lost; for unfulfilled potential, for loss of his caring spirit, his mind, his talent, his passion and for for memories of a time gone by.

What went through his mind in those last moments I may never know. Could I have done something? Said something? We weren’t each other’s closest friends. But he touched me, during his short life. Maybe I touched him, too. I’ll never know. All I know is what he's left behind.

“Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived.” Picard, Star Trek

Quiet love...

“Love fascinates me. It defies logic, spans cultures, transgresses moral, political, social, economic, racial and ethnic boundaries. Love is all-powerful and all-encompassing. I don't think I am a romantic for saying so. History shows that love emerges from the most horrific of situations. It makes good people do bad things and bad people do good things. Love is everything.

Yet despite its universality, love is surprisingly hard to pin down. And trickily, the harder you look for it, the harder it is to find.

My observations have led me to discover my favorite kind of love. It's the quiet kind. The bragging, over-compensating, facades and performances don't enter the picture. What takes my breath away is catching the inconspicuous lovers in a tender moment, when they think nobody is looking. He tucks her hair behind her ear, she strokes his cheek with the back of her hand. They lock eyes across the room. It's beautiful, because it's real. And it's heartening.” Laura Valerie

Know thyself...

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The ancient Greek aphorism 'γνῶθι σεαυτόν' roughly translated as 'Know Thyself' has had many different meanings throughout literature. The Suda (a massive 10th century Byzantine encyclopedia of the ancient Mediterranean world) says: “the proverb is applied to those whose boasts exceed what they are, and that know thyself is a warning to pay no attention to the opinion of the multitude”.

In Plato's Philebus, Socrates said that people make themselves appear ridiculous when they are trying to know obscure things before they know themselves. Later Benjamin Franklin observed the great difficulty of knowing one's self by saying “there are three things extremely hard, steel, a diamond and to know one's self.” More recently (or not so recently) the Latin of know thyself: 'temet nosce' was inscribed over the Oracle's door in the Matrix.

"Know thyself" the interpretations are endless yet we obsess over it . It is the basis of the majority of self-help, the aim and basis of many religions; its the sign of being a mature adult. But how do you 'know thyself'? What does that really look like 'knowing thyself'? Is it all about introspection and self reflection or is knowing 'thyself' not about us at all? Abraham Joshua Herschel once said “Know thy God rather than know thyself... there is no self-understanding with out God-understanding.” 

 

In my search to know/understand myself I have to admit that I get slightly confused, lost and bewildered at times. Like Anne from L.M. Montgomery's Anne of the Isle I think I know myself then, myself changes and I have to get acquainted all over again. Is it growing pains or is the quest to 'Know thyself' akin to chasing a rainbows end?

 

“I do know my own mind,' ... 'The trouble is, my mind changes and then I have to get acquainted with it all over again.” L.M. Montgomery